Om Baby Pregnancy & Parenting Center Articles
by Lynn Brooks, MFT
Several weeks later, I still sit here flooded with emotion over the storm on September 7, 2011. What started out as a typical day in the office quickly spiraled into something that no one in our community would ever forget. I was seeing client after client, addressing routine family and relational concerns when one of my colleagues informed me that Hershey schools were closing down and the roads were flooded. All I could think about was my kids! As I call their 78 year old grandfather, I instruct him to please go pick them up from school. I continue to offer reminders and instructions. I heard myself saying, remember dad, they can’t swim. Please don’t drive through deep water. If you need to pull over, only stop in higher parking lots, don’t drive near the Swatara. My list went on and on.
After my dad picked up the kids I spoke to them on the cell phone. I basically was saying my goodbyes. As my son was trying to tell me funny stories about his wonderful teacher, I would interrupt him. Remember mommy loves you, mommy is so proud of you. You are such a smart, funny, creative, caring young boy.
There were so many unknowns that day. Thankfully, my family was all reconnected and survived the day. Unfortunately, our community had very grave circumstances. Buildings were ruined, homes were destroyed, animals drowned, and community members died. Many different emotions were circling inside me.
I had previously scheduled my son’s ice-skating birthday party for the following Saturday. My gut response was that I needed to cancel the party. Who can celebrate in all this despair? Instead of receiving presents my son had decided to sponsor the school library and have everyone donate a book to the school. All I could think of was why am I worried about books; we need money to rebuild our community. Then something happened. I started receiving phone calls in regards to the party. Everyone was hoping the party was still on. Everyone was feeling the need to reach out and be reached out to. Everyone was showing gratitude for what they did have after the storm. It made me think. How can we heal? We can heal with Happiness! The first things we need to do is:
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Increase our optimism. Optimists think bad things are temporary and good things are permanent.
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We need to examine our happiness. Activity and exercise increase our happiness. This is one of the reasons why everyone still wanted to go ice skating at the party.
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Changing our thinking. What would this look like? Changing our thinking and old patterns could change our personal framework to having new thoughts that offer us peace, openness and courage.
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Training our brains.
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Confront our fears and anger. Work on desensitizing ourselves to these triggers.
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Take steps necessary to increase our compassion for people and work on forgiveness of those who hurt us.
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Recognize awareness of our own combination of innate virtues and areas of strength.
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Maintain a gratitude journal and write gratitude letters.
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Increase social connections, reach out and treat others as an equal.
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Find areas to serve in the community.
To answer your curiosity, the party did go on. Entire families came together and celebrated. There was skating and laughter. Many amazing books were donated to the library. Volunteers were made to offer service in the library and community of helping families of flood victims. Lots and lots of gratitude and happiness were shared on this day.
To me the donated books represented one chapter of life and how our community's happiness and gratitude came together. Where is your current level of happiness and gratitude?
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by Cynthia Cornett
From the very first feeding after my natural birth, breastfeeding was painful. It felt as if he was smashing my nipples and chewing with his gums. Three lactation consultants came and went while I was in the hospital. Nothing they suggested helped with the pain but they assured me it would get better if we would only practice our latch. We had taken a class about breastfeeding and read everything we could get our hands on to help prepare us for feeding our baby. But nothing could have prepared us for what was ahead.
With each feeding I had intense pain. The pain radiated through my back and stiffened every muscle in my body down to my toes. I cried as I fed my baby. I dreaded the next feeding. I felt like the worst mother in the world. This was not what breastfeeding was supposed to be like. It was supposed to be a loving, intimate moment between mother and child as she provides nature's perfect food. Instead it felt like self-inflicted torture.
Six days after Dexter's birth I went back to the hospital for an outpatient visit with a fourth lactation consultant. She watched as I got situated, how I positioned him, and how I helped him latch. She assured me that I had done nothing wrong. She then watched as the pain shot through my body curling my toes and sending tears streaming down my face. She stopped the feeding and as Dexter turned his face away from me we all saw the blood that smeared across his cheek. I was horrified. She then said the words I knew were coming and dreaded to hear; "You have to stop breastfeeding." My already broken heart was shattered. I had taken along my breast pump knowing it would probably come to that. She took the first bit of milk and showed my husband how to start suck training. I sat there, pumped, cried, and felt so defeated. I just couldn't understand how something so natural and good could be so painful - physically and emotionally. She gave us information to contact Shannon Lilienthal, a private practice lactation consultant that has experience with tongue tie.
I know pumping was necessary to keep up my milk supply and to feed Dexter, but it was horrible. It was a constant reminder that I was failing as a mother. It created twice as much work at feeding time and made me feel isolated from my new family. It was so mechanical and unnatural. Many times I sobbed through pumping knowing I couldn't feed my child the way God intended.
I had already asked our pediatrician about the possibility of tongue tie and he dismissed the idea. Dexter was healthy and gaining weight, which was all the doctor was concerned about. The problem was that he was gaining weight from a bottle. What about the mother-infant bond? What about the physical pain I was going through trying to do the right thing for my family? When he started talking about formula again, I knew where he stood.
Four days after the return visit to the hospitall, I called Shannon because the suck training seemed to be getting us nowhere. During the consultation she observed that Dexter lacked mobility in his tongue, which is consistent with a type 3 posterior tongue tied. She also showed us that his labial frenum under his top lip was also tight. She told me the story of her own son's tongue tie and offered hope. Shannon suggested that I attend the next meeting of La Leche League, a group of breastfeeding mothers, which could offer support. She referred us to doctor experienced in diagnosing tongue tie. Making the decision to 'slice and dice' my newborn was not easy. What if it didn't work? Was I being selfish? NO! I wanted the best for my son. I had to know that we did everything possible before I gave up my dream of breastfeeding. I took the first available appointment which was ten days later. By then I had reached the end of my rope. Something had to change or I wasn't going to make it.
Without the proper support, it makes sense why so many mothers give up breastfeeding and why so many more don't even try. This was the most trying and difficult thing I have ever been through. Weeks of crying, pumping and heartache led us to having Dexter's tongue and top lip clipped. With the help and support of people like Shannon and the women of La Leche League, we
are now successfully breastfeeding. Two months after Dexter's birth I was able to put away the pump and I began to enjoy feeding my son. Finally I could become the mother I had always envisioned.
Cynthia went on to nurse Dexter until he was 15 1/2 months old.
by Holly Keich
Those first excursions to the beach with your baby are certainly fun, but they can be challenging. Knowing what to pack to be prepared can be daunting. Either you pack too much and are weighed down by the luggage and don’t even make it to the beach or you feel woefully underprepared as you make a quick exit when things turn ugly.
What are the basics for baby?Swim Diapers. I highly recommend cloth swim diapers that can be reused. Reuseable ones are better for the environment, more cost effect and perform better than disposables. If you already cloth diaper and don’t want to splurge on a swim diaper, pocket diapers work just as well. Be sure to wait until you get to the beach to put them on though. They aren’t meant to absorb urine and can leave a mess in the car seat if you put them on before you even leave for the beach.
Sun Protection. This can be broken into many variables depending on the age of your child, the time of day you spend outside, how much direct exposure you will get from the sun and your comfort levels with using sunblock.
- Beach hat. These are great if you can get baby to keep them on! Buy one that has a chin strap to help with the battle. Be sure it has a wide brim and the hat shades the eyes and covers those sensitive ears.
- Sunglasses. Good rule of thumb is if you need sunglasses, then so does baby!
- Umbrella. Make your own protective shade for your little one.
- Baby Beach Cabana. There are lots of great options out there now to help shelter you baby from the sun and give them a protective, clean play space at the beach or a comfortable place to nap. Sun Smarties Infant Cabana is a great option. Just make sure that the air is able to move through the tent and the temperature is tolerable for your little one. If they are sleeping, be sure to check on them often to ensure they aren’t too hot and sweaty.
- Clothing with UVA & UVB protection. The apparel, which is designed to be worn in and out of the water, automatically keeps much of the body protected and therefore limits the number of body parts you need to reapply lotion to on your baby or toddler.
- Sunblock. The last thing your baby needs to take home from the beach is a painful sunburn. If you can’t avoid the sun and your child is over 6 months old, sunblock may be the way to go. Be sure to buy SPF 30 or higher and check the ingredients to be sure they are safe. EWG has a great list of the best sunscreens here.
Stock the cooler. Be sure to take plenty of water for baby and/or yourself. You don’t want to end the day with dehydration. Children are more prone to heat-related problems because their body surface area (exposed skin) is greater in relation to their body size than for adults. They may also be distracted by playing to the point that they don't realize they are thirsty, so be sure to offer fluid to active children every 20 to 30 minutes. Also, avoid the peak sun/heat hours of 10 a.m. to 4 p.m. if possible. Playing at the beach can work up quite an appetite, so don’t forget the finger foods too.
Footwear. If your child is walking, be sure to bring sandals or Crocs to protect their feet from the hot sand.
Beach Toys. A few simple toys can enhance the beach experience (and give parents a break from chasing). Give your toddler a bucket and a shovel and let him enjoy digging or making sand castles. Bring along a toy dump truck to fill with sand or drive over kid-created sand hills. A book or two to read under a shady umbrella can be a great way to rest when toddlers need some down time. Keep with the theme of the day by reading A House for Hermit Crab by Eric Carle or The Ocean Alphabet Book by Jerry Pallotta and Frank Mazzola, Jr.
Bouncy Seat. If you have a baby who is not yet able to sit up on their own, this can be a great way for them (or you) to take a break or even a nap without getting stuck in the sand. It also elevates them so they can watch what is going on around them.
And always be sure to take the camera. Time is fleeting and you want to catch all the fun in the sun! Join us on Facebook to tell us what are your must have’s are when going to the beach with a baby.
by Meredith Sullivan
Many parents have a vision of how their baby (or babies!) will come into this world. For some, this means a hospital setting, while others chose to deliver in their own home. Whatever the case, there are times when this vision does not play out for a variety of reasons. One such outcome, that continues to be a very concerning, increasing method, is surgical birth, also known as, Cesarean section.
Although there are sometimes clear clinical indications for a Cesarean delivery, the short- and long-term benefits and risks for both mother and infant have been the subject of intense debate for over 25 years. In 2007, nearly one-third (32%) of all births were Cesarean deliveries. In central Pennsylvania, there are 3 major hospitals with Labor and Delivery units, each with surgical birth rates ranging from 23%-37%, according to the Pennsylvania Department of Health’s 2008 statistics.Experiencing a surgical birth can be a completely healthy, happy experience for many mothers, yet others have feelings sadness, anger, fear, and loss of power. With one in five women experiencing Postpartum Depression, we must factor in what role their childbirth experience factors into this concern as well as how these feelings impact a mother’s ability to take care of her baby and herself in the postpartum months and beyond.
Some issues relating to birth in the United States are virtually taboo and a common notion put upon a new mother who may have had a birth experience that was not what she had hoped is that of “but the bottom line is that the baby is healthy”. To have one’s emotions dismissed is insulting and frustrating, but that is exactly what happens over and over to all too many women.
While most childbirth classes and numerous books include a discussion of Cesarean Section, this segment is often skipped over in hopes that it will not pertain to that mother. Surely scenarios play out where either mother or baby are better suited with a surgical birth, where the pros outweigh the cons, such as with severe pre-eclampsia, Intrauterine Growth Retardation, cord prolapse, placenta previa, etc. However, with the Caesarean rate continuing to climb to 1 out of 3 births for the last 13 consecutive years in the United States, one of the most “developed” countries in the world, there are no doubt situations where surgical birth was the riskier method of delivery, for both mother and baby. Additionally, informed consent is rarely given in a thorough manner from many practitioners.
A resource for families that have experienced or are facing a surgical birth is the International Caesarean Awareness Network (ICAN). ICAN’s mission is to promote awareness, prevention, advocacy, and support for mothers who have experienced or may be concerned about facing a Cesarean section. In dialogues with mothers, doulas, nurses and other community members, it was most recently realized that central Pennsylvania would greatly benefit from a local chapter of ICAN. That being said, the International Cesarean Awareness Network now meets on the third Tuesday of every month at 6:30pm at Om Baby Pregnancy & Parenting Center. We encourage you to join us in this forum regardless of when or why you experienced a surgical birth, if you have concerns that you may be faced with a necessary or unnecessary surgical birth or if you simply would like to educate yourself about the topic for you or a loved one.
from The No-Cry Discipline Solution
by Elizabeth Pantley
If you ask parents to list the most frustrating discipline problems during early childhood, you would find that these three items appear on every list. All children master their own version of these behaviors – every parent has to deal with them!
Controlling their emotions
Most often these behaviors are caused by a child’s inability to express or control his emotions. Tiredness, hunger, boredom, frustration and other causes that ignite The Big Three can frequently be avoided or modified. When your child begins a meltdown, try to determine if you can tell what underlying issue is causing the problem. Solve that problem and you’ll likely have your sweet child back again.
Handling tantrums, fussing and whining
No matter how diligent you are in recognizing trigger causes, your child will still have meltdown moments. Or even meltdown days. The following tips can help you handle those inevitable bumps in the road. Be flexible and practice those solutions that seem to bring the best results.
Offer choices
You may be able to avoid problems by giving your child more of a say in his life. You can do this by offering choices. Instead of saying, “Get ready for bed right now,” which may provoke a tantrum, offer a choice, “What would you like to do first, put on your pajamas or brush your teeth?” Children who are busy deciding things are often happy.
Get eye-to-eye
When you make a request from a distance your child will likely ignore you. Noncompliance creates stress, which leads to fussing and tantrums – from both of you. Instead, get down to your child’s level, look him in the eye and make clear, concise requests. This will catch his full attention.
Tell him what you DO want
Instead of focusing on misbehavior and what you don’t want him to do, explain exactly what you’d like your child to do or say instead. Give him simple instructions to follow.
Validate his feelings
Help your child identify and understand her emotions. Give words to her feelings, “You’re sad. You want to stay here and play. I know.” This doesn’t mean you must give in to her request, but letting her know that you understand her problem may be enough to help her calm down.
Teach the Quiet Bunny
When children get worked up, their physiological symptoms keep them in an agitated state. You can teach your child how to relax and then use this approach when fussing begins.
You can start each morning or end each day with a brief relaxation session. Have your child sit or lie comfortably with eyes closed. Tell a story that he’s a quiet bunny. Name body parts (feet, legs, tummy, etc.) and have your child wiggle it, and then relax it.
Once your child is familiar with this process you can call upon it at times when he is agitated. Crouch down to your child’s level, put your hands on his shoulders, look him in the eye and say, let’s do our Quiet Bunny. And then talk him through the process. Over time, just mentioning it and asking him to close his eyes will bring relaxation.
Distract and involve
Children can easily be distracted when a new activity is suggested. If your child is whining or fussing try viewing it as an “activity” that your child is engaged in. Since children aren’t very good multi-taskers you might be able to end the unpleasant activity with the recommendation of something different to do.
Invoke his imagination
If a child is upset about something, it can help to vocalize his fantasy of what he wishes would happen: “I bet you wish we could buy every single toy in this store.” This can become a fun game.
Use the preventive approach
Review desired behavior prior to leaving the house, or when entering a public building, or before you begin a playdate. This might prevent the whining or tantrum from even beginning. Put your comments in the positive (tell what you want, not what you don’t want) and be specific.
When it’s over, it’s over
After an episode of misbehavior is finished you can let it go and move on. Don’t feel you must teach a lesson by withholding your approval, love or company. Children bounce right back, and it is okay for you to bounce right back, too.
Excerpted with permission by McGraw-Hill Publishing from The No-Cry Discipline Solution (McGraw-Hill 2007) by Elizabeth Pantley http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth
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Just like overuse of antibiotics, overuse of antibacterial household products can lead to bacteria resistant to antibiotics. In addition, these antibacterial chemicals harm the "good" germs that play an important role in protecting us from infection. Most viruses and bacteria are not harmful and may be beneficial in ways we do not yet understand. And if you go overboard with too much cleanliness, it can disrupt the development of a child's immune system, which depends on germ exposure to mature. This could make your child more susceptible to allergies, asthma and skin inflammations like eczema.
But is antibacterial soap effective at reducing illness? There's no evidence that the products containing these chemicals give us any health benefits or have any effect on the occurrence of runny noses, coughs, diarrhea and other symptoms produced by viral illness. In other words, children in households that use these soaps are just as likely to be ill as those in homes where normal soap is used.
But they ARE being absorbed into our bodies. And all these chemicals are constantly being washed down the drain, into our lakes, rivers and water supplies.
The chemical usually used in antibacterial soap is triclosan. While this agent has been in use for years, researchers have recently discovered that it does not kill germs in as widespread a manner as bleach and alcohol do. Instead, it targets genes in the bacteria, rendering them unable to reproduce. This action may actually encourage the mutation of the cells into resistant strains. Triclosan is a powerful agent that has also been found to damage or even kill skin cells. These ingredients are also showing up in shampoos, dishwashing detergents, laundry detergents, and other cleaning products. Some fear we are drenching our children with antibiotics many times a day.
You don't have to kill the germs, just wash them away with a nontoxic soap and water. Plain soap works in two ways. It breaks down the surface tension of water and allows it to bind with dirt and bacteria. Then with the addition of friction (scrubbing), the dirt and bacteria are rinsed away. Plain soap and water remove the bacteria and other microbes that cause illness. But it must be used anytime the hands come into contact with potentially harmful germs. Children and adults should be encouraged to wash their hands after every visit to the bathroom and before eating.
Neither the American Medical Association nor the Center for Disease Control recommends the use of antibacterial soap for children. They do, however, offer the following guidelines for hand washing. Use warm running water and a mild soap. Wet hands and scrub with soap for at least 15 seconds. Make sure to scrub around the nails and between the fingers, and don’t forget the backs of the hands. Rinse hands under warm running water. Dry with a clean towel, and turn the faucet off with the towel in your hand. Always wash after using the restroom or changing a diaper, as well as before preparing food, eating, or feeding an infant.
Sources:
http://www.healthychild.com/healthy-child-blog/antibacterial-hand-sanitizers-unnecessary-with-negative-consequences/
http://green.yahoo.com/blog/guest_bloggers/31/eating-dirt-can-kids-build-healthy-immune-systems-through-dirt.html
http://www.essortment.com/family/kidshealthhygi_slul.htm
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Make a Difference!
Become a Breastfeeding Advocate.
by Shannon Lilienthal, BA, IBCLC, RLC
When I was a social work intern in rural Oregon in the late 1990s, I was surprised to see some of the first-time mothers on my caseload experience challenges with breastfeeding. I assumed breastfeeding came naturally and the baby would just know what to do. The clinic where I interned employed an IBCLC – an International Board Certified Lactation Consultant. As I brought the moms and babies on my caseload in to see the Lactation Consultant for help, I learned about the issues some mothers face, like low milk supply or sore nipples due to poor latch. I soon discovered that getting help early with breastfeeding issues was essential.
Later, as a social worker in West Philadelphia, I again discovered that the new moms on my caseload needed help with breastfeeding, but unfortunately there was less support for them in their community. This experience ultimately led me down the path to becoming an IBCLC myself. While still working as a social worker, I paid to participate in an internship program at a hospital with a busy maternity floor. It took a few years for me to complete the required coursework and to accumulate the required 2.500 clinical hours working with moms and babies under the supervision of an experienced IBCLC. Then I spent several months intensely preparing for the comprehensive board exam.
Mothers often ask me how they can become an IBCLC. I refer them to the International Board of Lactation Examiners (http://www.iblce.org) to learn about the different pathways to certification. However, you should know that there are many other ways to help breastfeeding mothers and babies, and many in your local community.
Nursing Mothers' Counselors (NMC) is a volunteer organization that pairs mothers who have breastfed their babies with new moms who need breastfeeding support. The organization is affiliated with Pinnacle Health's Harrisburg Hospital. NMC’s mission is hope – that volunteer counselors can offer mothers the support they need for a truly wonderful experience in providing excellent nutritional benefits and love to a new breastfed generation.
NMC is in need of women who have breastfed a baby for at least 6 months, have a desire to help other breastfeeding moms, and can give about 5-6 hours a month to volunteer on the postpartum floor. Counselors will work with the hospital IBCLCs to support new mothers who choose to breastfeed their babies. To become a Nursing Mothers Counselor, you will be asked to complete a training module and shadow two of our existing counselors as they assist new mothers in the hospital. If you would like more information, please call the Learning Institute at (717) 221-6255 or go to http://www.nursingmotherscounselors.com/.
Another advocacy group in need of volunteers is La Leche League (LLL). LLL is an international, nonprofit, nonsectarian organization dedicated to providing education, information, support, and encouragement to women who want to breastfeed. La Leche League Leaders are experienced mothers who have breastfed their own babies and who have been trained and accredited by La Leche League International to help mothers and mothers-to-be with all aspects of breastfeeding. They are available by phone whenever you have breastfeeding questions or concerns. To find a local meeting, go to http://www.llli.org/Web/Pennsylvania.html
If your strengths lend themselves to advocacy and changing public policy, then consider becoming a member of The Pennsylvania Breastfeeding Coalition (PABC). This group has quarterly meetings in locations throughout the state – the summer meeting is in Harrisburg and the fall meeting is in State College. PABC receives funding to work on advocacy projects, such as helping employers develop lactation rooms for working moms to pump in and recognizing breastfeeding friendly businesses. To find out more, go to http://pabreastfeeding.org/
When I gave birth to my first son, I thought breastfeeding was going to be so easy. I was already an IBCLC and had worked with hundreds of mothers. However, Aidan had a posterior tongue-tie that made breastfeeding very painful until we got his frenulum clipped when he was 6 weeks old. In those early weeks, I was headed for postpartum depression as I struggled with the disappointment I felt because breastfeeding was not going as smoothly as I expected. Thankfully I was well connected to NMC and LLL, and both groups gave me encouragement and support to continue to bond with my baby until we solved our breastfeeding challenge. Consider becoming the support and advocate that can make the difference in the breastfeeding bond of a mother and baby. We need you!
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What is Your Child's Behavior Trying to Tell You
by Venus Grella, Positive Discipline Instructor
Does your child throw peas across the kitchen, bite his/her siblings, or whine to no avail? No matter what display of undesirable behavior you deal with, there is always a need or want associated with it. Children naturally seek belonging and significance from their caretakers. When they lack the communication and social skills necessary to meet those two primary needs, misguided or ‘bad’ behavior is the result.
As the caring adult, our job is to identify the message behind the behavior. What is your child trying to tell you? Is she trying to keep your attention or get you to do extra things for her? If so, she is experiencing that feeling of belonging she desires when she is noticed by you or getting special attention and help from you. If you find yourself having to respond by coaxing her or doing things for her she could do for herself, her behavior often stops temporarily, but later it resumes or another annoying behavior takes its place. Does this sound familiar? Does this interaction leave you feeling annoyed, worried, or even guilty?
A helpful way to minimize demanding attention seeking behavior is to redirect the child by involving her in a useful task. Hand her the clothes to put in the laundry basket or let her throw away the envelopes from the opened mail. Useful is the key word. If she feels useful she will build self esteem. If she can’t help right at the moment, you might say, “I love you and will spend time with you later.” Give her a specific time and a specific activity. When you follow through, it will be to her delight every time. Having special, planned time, as little as ten minutes, can help reduce the need for undue attention, ultimately decreasing annoying, attention seeking behavior.
Another behavior we all deal with is power struggles. A child exhibiting this behavior has misguided power and always wants to be the boss. He feels like he belongs, only when he is the boss, in control, or proving no one can boss him, “You can’t make me.” You engage in the battle for power by wanting to be right and lecturing why you are right, or thinking “I will make you,” or “You can’t get away with this.” But in order to continue the battle, he intensifies his behavior. He is happy and feels he has won when you get upset or when you give in. This interaction leaves you feeling threatened, challenged, or maybe just defeated.
It is good for any individual to feel powerful, including children. The power must be within limits as well as be respectful to self and others. One way to bring about desirable behavior or positive power is to ask the child for help. Don’t fight and don’t give in, but withdraw from the conflict by saying, “I know I can’t make you, but I would really appreciate your help.” You will be surprised how intriguing this is to a child, especially if he is used to the fight. You are teaching self-respect when you respect yourself this way. And let’s face it; you really cannot make someone do what they don’t want to do, not without hurt feelings or manipulation. It is better to walk away than to do and say things you will regret and have to apologize for later.
There are many great tools to avoid power struggles, such as letting routines be the boss and holding family meetings to set reasonable limits that are agreed upon. Decide ahead of time what you will do instead of waiting for the moment when you and your child are upset. It is respectful and fair to let the child know what you have decided. For example you might say, “When you yell at me, I will leave the room.” When you follow through with what you say it teaches him to listen to you and to respect you. This practice fosters trust, so when larger problems arise he will more readily bring them to you. Allowing a child to have an appropriate amount of power will decrease his demand for misguided power. For example a two year old can pick out which shirt and shorts he wants to wear, while a ten year old can decide what he will watch or play for his hour of screen time. Notice in the example that getting dressed is not up for discussion, but the child can decide what to wear. Likewise, the older child can decide what to do, but not how long the activity will last.
No one ever said parenting was easy, but it should be a joyful experience. Think of parenting as teaching. Every time a child misbehaves, it is an opportunity for you to teach him or her a valuable life skill. Children should not have to pay with punishment for their mistakes or for their inability to communicate their needs. Instead they should be encouraged and guided to learn to do better. When children feel better about themselves and feel capable to tackle life’s challenges, they will behave better too.
None of these suggested responses to behavior are magic or always successful, but they are far better than anger, hopelessness, or giving up out of frustration.
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Now that June is upon us and the children are going on summer break, we look forward to a lessstructured, more relaxed environment and the word “bullying” is a word that need not be dealt with until school returns in the Fall. Although bullying seems to be prevalent when schools are in session (notice the horrible headlines lately?) the reality is that bullying is everywhere…from the playgrounds to the community pool to the neighborhood we live in. So, what can we do to prepare our children so they can recognize when they are being bullied and how can we teach them to not be a bully themselves?One principle we can begin cultivating in our children is having empathy for others. As stated in an article in Time.com… ”bullying and other kinds of violence can indeed be reduced by encouraging empathy at an early age. Over the past decade, research in empathy — the ability to put ourselves in another person's shoes — has suggested that it is key, if not the key, to all human social interaction and morality.”Read more: http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1982190,00.html#ixzz0ox4ywCzE. Teaching empathy to children requires a bit of eloquence and insight, though. In an excerpt taken from the book, How to Say It to Your Kids, by Dr. Paul Coleman, he states that it’s important to build an “emotional intelligence” when teaching empathy. “Emotional intelligence does not refer to being nice. It does not mean wearing your feelings on your sleeve. It means understanding your own emotions enough that you can use them in decision making, manage them better during stress, and be able to understand and relate to others better.” Teaching our children to recognize their own emotions, having a safe outlet to express their emotions and helping your child work through their feelings are the building blocks of learning empathy. Here are some examples you can begin using right away when teaching your child empathy:
To help you teach emotions to your child here are some examples:
"You're feeling frustrated right now because you want that toy.” "You’re feeling angry because I’m paying attention to the baby right now.”
"You were joyous when you heard Tommy was coming over to play.”
Use moments with other children or animals to teach about their emotions. That way your child can practice empathizing:
"The puppy cries whenever we leave it. What do you think she is feeling?"
"The dog is wagging its tail when it sees its owner. What do you think the dog is feeling?"
"You just said it seems as if your stomach has butterflies. What feeling is that?"
"Before we went to class, you complained of a stomachache. Sometimes stomachaches are a sign that someone is worried. Are you?"
Encourage and praise accurate identification of emotions and praise empathy:
"You let her play with your doll because you saw that she was sad.” “You saw Sarah was missing her Mommy, so you gave her a hug.”
To read more visit: http://life.familyeducation.com/parenting/friendships/29483.html
When children conceal or hold in their emotions, they are apt to express themselves in negative behavior or thoughts about themselves or towards others. By using statements of observation, it encourages the child to reflect and share with you the emotion that they are experiencing. When children can communicate their feelings and have a place to be heard, it is so much easier for them to move past it and let the emotion pass.
In the September newsletter, find out why building self-esteem is another key element to bully proofing your child.
As a mother who has given birth twice in a hospital and once at home, a doula, a certified childbirth educator, and a labor and delivery nurse, I have seen and experienced first-hand, both as a consumer and as a provider, a very wide spectrum of birthing possibilities. I have read and studied countless books, journals, articles, blogs and websites in search of truth and scientific evidence to expand my knowledge and better my practice. What I have found, time and time again, is that birth is a normal, healthy life experience that is safest when left to its own natural process, for the vast majority of all healthy women.
There are many different opinions on the
definition of “normal” within the context of pregnancy, labor, birth, and
postpartum experiences. I agree
with the simple concept that normal birth for humans is the same as for any
animal in nature. This position
holds strong that animals do best in birth when undisturbed in their own
environment. Animals have been
observed to stop their labor in its tracks when they felt threatened or
scared. Proponents for homebirth
agree. What animal would leave
their nest to go have a baby?
“Normal”, defined by the Merriam-Webster Dictionary as “occurring
naturally”, supports the concept of birth as a regular and expected process of
nature.
Another definition of normal precedes the
aforementioned in the same Merriam-Webster source. Here, “normal” is defined as “a: according with,
constituting, or not deviating from a norm, rule, or principle” and “b: conforming
to a type, standard, or regular pattern”.
The medicalized birthing community certainly enjoys this definition in
the context of birth. The
sensationalized media images of birth as an emergency that will end in
devastating outcomes if the doctors aren’t there to save the mother and baby,
also backs up this definition. In
fact, it can be argued that the media creates normal for our culture. The “reality” birth television
shows indeed standardize and write the rules for normal birthing as lying on
one’s back, being strapped to monitors and IV’s, being numb with narcotic
medications, having a dress code of sterile gowns, gloves and masks, legs in
stirrups and a doctor dutifully sitting in the place of honor so they may “do”
the delivery. In this sense, our
country’s “norm” as defined by TV, looks very similar to what is really
happening most of the time.
Another source of “normal”, in labor and
delivery in hospitals, is defined by the Friedman Curve, where labor is
subjectively timed and plotted on a graph. Physicians are trained to plot labor, regardless of a
woman’s individual history, physical or emotional condition, etc., and are
taught that if a woman’s labor is any slower than the curve allows, there is
justification (and duty) to intervene with augmentation or a cesarean
section. [It may be important to
note here that Dr. Friedman’s curve was based on research done in the 1950’s
when the majority of laboring women were heavily medicated with ‘twilight
sleep’ anesthesia. Ironically,
colleagues of Dr. Friedman report that he intended the curve to serve as a tool
to prevent unnecessary interventions and cesareans. ]
At home, with a midwife in attendance,
interventions with the birth process are minimal. In hospitals, interventions are immediate and profuse. Yet most women in our society birth in
hospitals. Induction of labor and
epidural rates are very high, both of which are associated with higher risks of
delivering vaginally with a vacuum or forceps and delivering by c-section. Most women don’t imagine
their upcoming birth as being complicated and ending with a c-section. But, cesarean births are rampant, at a
national rate of almost 1 in 3 births and rising. Most women return home after their births with a healthy
baby, but many feel an emotional loss because of their unexpected and sometimes
traumatic mode of “normal” delivery.
Some
birth trauma specialists have tried to redefine a good, normal birth not
as one that was vaginal or cesarean, but one where the woman felt in control,
empowered, and part of the decision making process regarding her birth.
Many organizations, (i.e. Lamaze
International, The World Health Organization, Coalition for Improving Maternity
Services, Doulas of North America etc.) promote normal (natural) birth with
very specific and relatively easy evidence-based care practices to optimize
outcomes for the mother and baby, regardless of the birth setting. Some of these practices include
educating oneself by reading, joining a birth network or support group, and
taking childbirth education classes.
Having a confident, knowledgeable labor support team and a doula for
continuous labor support has been shown to significantly reduce the likelihood
of having c-section. Having an
open, communicative relationship with your birth care providers is essential to
making informed choices during your pregnancy and childbirth.
What is your normal?
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Like many others, as a youngster growing up, I learned to bless food before I ate it. More often than not, I was peeking around the room looking at what other people were doing, fidgeting under the table, kicking my brother, or really just waiting until all ceremony was over with and I could finally eat. Now, as a farmer, this act of giving thanks has taken a much different meaning. It’s ironic how the more I learn about plants, the more I realize how miraculous it all is. Understanding and connecting with nature more has actually rendered me more amazed by it all. Every time I plant a seed, I’m still convinced it won’t “work” - yet each time it does. I have become much more deferential in regards to nature and understand that giving thanks is the least I can do. I am not the boss of the farm, not at all. Nature is in charge, at all points. As hard as farmers work, it’s the plants that know how to taste the way they taste, know how to use the nutrients in the soil, know how to harness the power of the sun and do that fantastic thing we call photosynthesis.
As spring approaches, and we all look forward to the first asparagus, ripe tomatoes and juicy watermelons, we must remember how important the “pause before the meal” is. This pause is the moment we give thanks for the fertile earth that provides us the food we are about to eat. We offer our respect. Yes! Magazine published an article titled “A World of Grace” in their Spring 2009 Food For Everyone issue. This article shows a dozen cultures’ individual way of saying grace. Each is beautiful and inspiring. The Buddhist blessing asks that “the energy in this food give me the strength to transform my unwholesome qualities into wholesome ones” while the Ashanti blessing reminds us that we depend on the Earth. I invite each of you to read the blessings and find one you connect with. There are people all over the world saying these blessings and thanking nature as I type. I find it to be yet one more way to connect with my food source.
Yes! Magazine article: http://www.yesmagazine.org/issues/food-for-everyone/saying-grace-around-the-world
Downloadable Version of "A World of Grace": http://sz0074.wc.mail.comcast.net/service/home/~/Grace-1.pdf?auth=co&loc=en_US&id=178373&part=3
Wooden Hill Farms: http://www.woodenhillfarms.com/
by Ellen Kellner
Day 1 of divorced-parenting is a turning point. On your first day of
motherhood/ fatherhood, you woke up and smiled, realizing that there was an infant now counting on you to take care of her needs and nurture her soul. Which you did, lovingly. But on the first morning of separated-parenting you wake up with a stressed look that has long replaced your smile. “How can I do this?” becomes a very real question.Stay and linger in bed for a moment. Put aside the thoughts about your divorce and focus instead on the child that is still sleeping down the hall. That child, who you lovingly brought into this world, is still counting on you to provide for her and nurture her. Stay with that thought as long as it takes for you to remember. To remember that divorce doesn't change who you are: a parent that loves a child very, very much -- demonstrating that love through consistency, security, consideration and so much more. Divorce doesn't change that, and your child is counting on you to remember.
Think about love, your child, and your desire to nurture her. It's with those grounding thoughts that you can start Day 1 of divorced parenting with a smile.
With this remembrance, you can do it. You can handle visitation exchanges, communications with your child's other parent, financial matters, your child's growing step-family, and all of the many divorced-parenting situations that are now part of your day. Yes, your parenting situations have changed, but you're still here to nurture your child's soul and with that guidance, you'll not only know what not to do; you'll know what to do.
The good news? Everyday is a new day filled with the opportunity for you to remember who you are as you parent your child through life and divorce. Every day is Day 1.
