by Lynn Brooks, MFT
                                  
Several weeks later, I still sit here flooded with emotion over the storm on September 7, 2011.  What started out as a typical day in the office quickly spiraled into something that no one in our community would ever forget.  I was seeing client after client, addressing routine family and relational concerns when one of my colleagues informed me that Hershey schools were closing down and the roads were flooded.  All I could think about was my kids!  As I call their 78 year old grandfather, I instruct him to please go pick them up from school.  I continue to offer reminders and instructions.  I heard myself saying, remember dad, they can’t swim.  Please don’t drive through deep water.  If you need to pull over, only stop in higher parking lots, don’t drive near the Swatara.  My list went on and on. 

After my dad picked up the kids I spoke to them on the cell phone.  I basically was saying my goodbyes.  As my son was trying to tell me funny stories about his wonderful teacher, I would interrupt him.  Remember mommy loves you, mommy is so proud of you.  You are such a smart, funny, creative, caring young boy. 

There were so many unknowns that day.   Thankfully, my family was all reconnected and survived the day.  Unfortunately, our community had very grave circumstances.  Buildings were ruined, homes were destroyed, animals drowned, and community members died.  Many different emotions were circling inside me. 

I had previously scheduled my son’s ice-skating birthday party for the following Saturday.  My gut response was that I needed to cancel the party.  Who can celebrate in all this despair?  Instead of receiving presents my son had decided to sponsor the school library and have everyone donate a book to the school.  All I could think of was why am I worried about books; we need money to rebuild our community.  Then something happened.  I started receiving phone calls in regards to the party.  Everyone was hoping the party was still on.  Everyone was feeling the need to reach out and be reached out to. Everyone was showing gratitude for what they did have after the storm.  It made me think.  How can we heal?  We can heal with Happiness!  The first things we need to do is:

• Increase our optimism.  Optimists think bad things are temporary and good things are permanent. 

• We need to examine our happiness.  Activity and exercise increase our happiness.  This is one of the reasons why everyone still wanted to go ice skating at the party. 

• Changing our thinking.  What would this look like?  Changing our thinking and old patterns could change our personal framework to having new thoughts that offer us peace, openness and courage.  

• Training our brains. 

• Confront our fears and anger.  Work on desensitizing ourselves to these triggers. 

• Take steps necessary to increase our compassion for people and work on forgiveness of those who hurt us.

• Recognize awareness of our own combination of innate virtues and areas of strength. 

• Maintain a gratitude journal and write gratitude letters. 

• Increase social connections, reach out and treat others as an equal.

• Find areas to serve in the community.

To answer your curiosity, the party did go on. Entire families came together and celebrated. There was skating and laughter.  Many amazing books were donated to the library. Volunteers were made to offer service in the library and community of helping families of flood victims.  Lots and lots of gratitude and happiness were shared on this day.

To me the donated books represented one chapter of life and how our community's happiness and gratitude came together. Where is your current level of happiness and gratitude?

____________________________________________________________________

What is Your Child's Behavior Trying to Tell You

by Venus Grella, Positive Discipline Instructor

Does your child throw peas across the kitchen, bite his/her siblings, or whine to no avail? No matter what display of undesirable behavior you deal with, there is always a need or want associated with it. Children naturally seek belonging and significance from their caretakers. When they lack the communication and social skills necessary to meet those two primary needs, misguided or ‘bad’ behavior is the result.

As the caring adult, our job is to identify the message behind the behavior. What is your child trying to tell you? Is she trying to keep your attention or get you to do extra things for her? If so, she is experiencing that feeling of belonging she desires when she is noticed by you or getting special attention and help from you. If you find yourself having to respond by coaxing her or doing things for her she could do for herself, her behavior often stops temporarily, but later it resumes or another annoying behavior takes its place. Does this sound familiar? Does this interaction leave you feeling annoyed, worried, or even guilty?

A helpful way to minimize demanding attention seeking behavior is to redirect the child by involving her in a useful task. Hand her the clothes to put in the laundry basket or let her throw away the envelopes from the opened mail. Useful is the key word. If she feels useful she will build self esteem. If she can’t help right at the moment, you might say, “I love you and will spend time with you later.” Give her a specific time and a specific activity. When you follow through, it will be to her delight every time. Having special, planned time, as little as ten minutes, can help reduce the need for undue attention, ultimately decreasing annoying, attention seeking behavior.

Another behavior we all deal with is power struggles. A child exhibiting this behavior has misguided power and always wants to be the boss. He feels like he belongs, only when he is the boss, in control, or proving no one can boss him, “You can’t make me.” You engage in the battle for power by wanting to be right and lecturing why you are right, or thinking “I will make you,” or “You can’t get away with this.” But in order to continue the battle, he intensifies his behavior. He is happy and feels he has won when you get upset or when you give in. This interaction leaves you feeling threatened, challenged, or maybe just defeated.

It is good for any individual to feel powerful, including children. The power must be within limits as well as be respectful to self and others. One way to bring about desirable behavior or positive power is to ask the child for help. Don’t fight and don’t give in, but withdraw from the conflict by saying, “I know I can’t make you, but I would really appreciate your help.” You will be surprised how intriguing this is to a child, especially if he is used to the fight. You are teaching self-respect when you respect yourself this way. And let’s face it; you really cannot make someone do what they don’t want to do, not without hurt feelings or manipulation. It is better to walk away than to do and say things you will regret and have to apologize for later.

There are many great tools to avoid power struggles, such as letting routines be the boss and holding family meetings to set reasonable limits that are agreed upon. Decide ahead of time what you will do instead of waiting for the moment when you and your child are upset. It is respectful and fair to let the child know what you have decided. For example you might say, “When you yell at me, I will leave the room.” When you follow through with what you say it teaches him to listen to you and to respect you. This practice fosters trust, so when larger problems arise he will more readily bring them to you. Allowing a child to have an appropriate amount of power will decrease his demand for misguided power. For example a two year old can pick out which shirt and shorts he wants to wear, while a ten year old can decide what he will watch or play for his hour of screen time. Notice in the example that getting dressed is not up for discussion, but the child can decide what to wear. Likewise, the older child can decide what to do, but not how long the activity will last.

No one ever said parenting was easy, but it should be a joyful experience. Think of parenting as teaching. Every time a child misbehaves, it is an opportunity for you to teach him or her a valuable life skill. Children should not have to pay with punishment for their mistakes or for their inability to communicate their needs. Instead they should be encouraged and guided to learn to do better. When children feel better about themselves and feel capable to tackle life’s challenges, they will behave better too.

None of these suggested responses to behavior are magic or always successful, but they are far better than anger, hopelessness, or giving up out of frustration.

_____________________________________________________________________

As a mother who has given birth twice in a hospital and once at home, a doula, a certified childbirth educator, and a labor and delivery nurse,  I have seen and experienced first-hand, both as a consumer and as a provider, a very wide spectrum of birthing possibilities. I have read and studied countless books, journals, articles, blogs and websites in search of truth and scientific evidence to expand my knowledge and better my practice.  What I have found, time and time again, is that birth is a normal, healthy life experience that is safest when left to its own natural process, for the vast majority of all healthy women.

There are many different opinions on the definition of “normal” within the context of pregnancy, labor, birth, and postpartum experiences.  I agree with the simple concept that normal birth for humans is the same as for any animal in nature.  This position holds strong that animals do best in birth when undisturbed in their own environment.  Animals have been observed to stop their labor in its tracks when they felt threatened or scared.  Proponents for homebirth agree.  What animal would leave their nest to go have a baby? “Normal”, defined by the Merriam-Webster Dictionary as “occurring naturally”, supports the concept of birth as a regular and expected process of nature.

Another definition of normal precedes the aforementioned in the same Merriam-Webster source.  Here, “normal” is defined as “a: according with, constituting, or not deviating from a norm, rule, or principle” and “b: conforming to a type, standard, or regular pattern”. The medicalized birthing community certainly enjoys this definition in the context of birth.  The sensationalized media images of birth as an emergency that will end in devastating outcomes if the doctors aren’t there to save the mother and baby, also backs up this definition.  In fact, it can be argued that the media creates normal for our culture.   The “reality” birth television shows indeed standardize and write the rules for normal birthing as lying on one’s back, being strapped to monitors and IV’s, being numb with narcotic medications, having a dress code of sterile gowns, gloves and masks, legs in stirrups and a doctor dutifully sitting in the place of honor so they may “do” the delivery.  In this sense, our country’s “norm” as defined by TV, looks very similar to what is really happening most of the time.

Another source of “normal”, in labor and delivery in hospitals, is defined by the Friedman Curve, where labor is subjectively timed and plotted on a graph.  Physicians are trained to plot labor, regardless of a woman’s individual history, physical or emotional condition, etc., and are taught that if a woman’s labor is any slower than the curve allows, there is justification (and duty) to intervene with augmentation or a cesarean section.  [It may be important to note here that Dr. Friedman’s curve was based on research done in the 1950’s when the majority of laboring women were heavily medicated with ‘twilight sleep’ anesthesia.  Ironically, colleagues of Dr. Friedman report that he intended the curve to serve as a tool to prevent unnecessary interventions and cesareans. ] 

At home, with a midwife in attendance, interventions with the birth process are minimal.  In hospitals, interventions are immediate and profuse.  Yet most women in our society birth in hospitals.  Induction of labor and epidural rates are very high, both of which are associated with higher risks of delivering vaginally with a vacuum or forceps and delivering by c-section.    Most women don’t imagine their upcoming birth as being complicated and ending with a c-section.  But, cesarean births are rampant, at a national rate of almost 1 in 3 births and rising.  Most women return home after their births with a healthy baby, but many feel an emotional loss because of their unexpected and sometimes traumatic mode of “normal” delivery.

Some birth trauma specialists have tried to redefine a good, normal birth not as one that was vaginal or cesarean, but one where the woman felt in control, empowered, and part of the decision making process regarding her birth.

Many organizations, (i.e. Lamaze International, The World Health Organization, Coalition for Improving Maternity Services, Doulas of North America etc.) promote normal (natural) birth with very specific and relatively easy evidence-based care practices to optimize outcomes for the mother and baby, regardless of the birth setting.  Some of these practices include educating oneself by reading, joining a birth network or support group, and taking childbirth education classes. Having a confident, knowledgeable labor support team and a doula for continuous labor support has been shown to significantly reduce the likelihood of having c-section.  Having an open, communicative relationship with your birth care providers is essential to making informed choices during your pregnancy and childbirth. 

What is your normal?

_____________________________________________________________________